Sometimes my heart breaks

I love my job.
I love my church.
I love my teens.

That's what this blog is about. And usually it is very upbeat and sometimes even funny.

But today... my heart is broken for one of my boys.

I started going to this church almost 8 years ago. There are a couple of kids that are in my youth group that went the the church all the way back then, although they were pretty young. One in particular we will call John (name has been changed). When I came to the church, John was only about 8 years old. He came to church with his grandma and could always be counted on to be in the children's musicals, and sitting in church on Sunday morning. He joined the youth group as a 6th grader when I was a senior. He was one of those kids that everyone loved. People would always donate money to get him to camps and events, knowing that he probably wouldn't be able to go otherwise. 5 years later he is still one of my teens. He has been with me since I started working with the junior highers almost 5 years ago.

I have watched over the years as the other kids have lost their excitement for church and for God. But John has just grown stronger in his relationship with God, and still has that glimmer of excitement in his eye when he walks through the doors of the church.

I've watched the other kids go through rebellious stages... as they've treated their parents with disrespect and gotten upset with the adults in their lives. John continued to walk his grandma into each service, sit with her, and take care of her. He was good to his parents who eventually began coming to church as well. He would leave youth group if his grandma needed him, he'd go home early because his mom had to pick him up then... with a smile on his face and not one complaint from his lips.

While other teens have been disrespectful to me, cussed me out, said mean things to me, and taken advantage of me, John has encouraged me and lifted me up... even when it's supposed to be the other way around.

Last week I got the news that John's grandmother had passed away. She's been sick for some time and it has been a struggle for her, but John has been there with her through it all, loving her just as much. I knew that he would be torn apart. I immediately called him to see how he was doing. He was sad, I could tell. But there was still this bit of hope in his voice... because that's just who John is. Even in the midst of the most difficult thing he's probably ever had to go through, he remained kind hearted and hopeful.

Sunday morning during the service, John went to the cross (which is what we have instead of an alter). I went to pray for him, and as soon as I placed my hand on his back, I felt the sobs that were shaking his body. I knelt down next to him and grabbed his shoulders. I sat there as he cried and I began to cry too. I knew that he was hurting... and I hurt for him. He looked up at me and simply said, "I miss her so much."

He went on to say that if it weren't for her, he wouldn't be where he was... he probably wouldn't even be a Christian.... that he was so happy knowing she was with Jesus, but it hurt him to lose her. I told him that she had been so proud of him, and that I knew he would live his life continuing to make her proud. And to make God proud. I told him that one day, he would see her again...

...and he cried...

...and I cried...

...and my heart broke again...

Because no matter how much I try to just be their youth pastor... no matter how much I try to keep things professional to some degree... These kids are my heart. And when they hurt... I hurt too.

So today... my heart is hurting for John.
For his family.
For the people who loved his grandmother.

But it is also full of joy for the fact that she IS with Jesus....
....for who John has become because she cared enough to bring that little boy to church...
...for John's parents who now love Jesus too... because he showed them God's love...
And for every life that John will touch... because I know that one day, there is going to be a group of people that looks back on their lives and credits John, and his heart, for who they have become.

Because that is just who John is.
And I am so blessed that God allowed me to be his youth pastor.